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An Urban Wicca
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Daddy Long Legs, Stork & Swallow
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Eve of Persephone
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Guidance vs. Thou Shalt
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Pagan Parenting: Guidance vs. Thou Shalt

By Amanda Cummings

How do you talk to children about complex ideas like deity, reincarnation and other Pagan philosophical ideas? Should you? When are they old enough to comprehend? How dogmatic should we be when presenting these concepts to our children?

Children in this culture learn early that there is something referred to as God. They hear it from their friends, from TV, movies, from their relatives, from teachers. We, as parents, communicate our ideas about deity early on, too. We have our children baptized, christened, confirmed, Sunday schooled, and even Pagans have their children wiccaned, or dedicated. We want our children to share our views and understanding of what we value. Children have little trouble internalizing the idea of deity, at least to begin with.

When my children were smaller, I could talk to them about Nature and the Goddess and God in very simplistic terms. I tried not to insist, but to expose them to the concept. It was very important to me to not think for them. I had been raised as a fundamentalist Protestant Christian when I was a child, and one of the things I always found annoying was they always wanted to think for me. You know: telling me what I should and shouldn't do, think, wear, believe, feel, say, etc., etc. If I just let them do the thinking for me, and obediently toed the line, I, too, could go to heaven. I figured that if that was annoying to me when I was a kid, it probably would be annoying to my children now. So, I try really hard to present ideas in a non-black-and-white manner, and encourage them to think their own ideas through. It's a real challenge. Two of the key things I've learned to say to them are: Well, it's been my experience, and, A lot of people think. Then I am free to add, but I think, or do, or feel, or wear. You get the idea. By not being dogmatic, I encourage them to think for themselves. By not presenting ideas as absolute, they are free to develop their own conclusions, and create new ones and discard old, outmoded ones as they grow up and mature. They learn to make decisions based on what they value, as opposed to what mom values. By exposing them to my religious practices and beliefs, they have a broader base of information from which to draw in order to form their own religious opinions and follow their own paths. Which is what they are doing.

My children have grown from wide-eyed observers of public Pagan celebrations to older, more thoughtful attendees. They still love Christmas the best, and Beltane second. But as we were walking to look at the holiday lights one evening, my oldest piped up with, Mommy, before Jesus, did people celebrate this time of year? I assured her they did because before Jesus, and even after Him, people have always celebrated the winter, and the promise of the return of the light, and spring, after the winter solstice (which she had studied in her science class). Well, why do all these people run around saying `Jesus is the Reason for the Season'? That's not right! A lot of people, I explained, think this because it fits in with their religious views, but I think, I continued, that I'd rather celebrate the season itself.

See how that works? A lot of people think, but I think. On another occasion, my youngest and I were sharing some Chinese food at the mall while out shopping. Mommy, she asked, do you like God? I thought a minute, and answered, Yes, honey, I like lots of Gods. She thought about it a bit, Well, I like all the Gods you like! She is still at the age where it is important to identify with my values, while my older child is beginning to question the things she is told to value. Both of these are important stages, but as parents it is important to recognize them as stages in development into the individuals our children are becoming. Many parents are encouraged by their children's acquiescence and general acceptance of their value system. Many parents are threatened or question their parenting abilities when their children start forming their own independent opinions and discarding those of their parents. It is important to remember that it is the questioning attitudes that show growth and maturity, and not the unthinking acceptance of what we are told. Consequently, it is in our own and our children's' best interest to help them think for themselves (especially when it comes to important things) without a predetermined agenda of what they ought to think, believe, wear, do, say, etc. When we decide what our children should value, we are imposing our belief systems on them and not allowing or encouraging them to walk their own paths.

Deity is a concept that we have all been exposed to from very young ages. It is no different for our children. Their experience of this concept depends on what they are taught to value. That is our job as parents. We give them a framework of values (ours) in which to operate in order to become individuals with values (theirs). Many of us were taught different things about God and how we relate to that, and what that means in our lives. We have been taught that there is some grandfatherly figure who loves us all, or that there is some stern, austere, judgmental figure ready to pound us into dust at the slightest failure to conform. (Think about it: isn't that what a lot of that sin business boils down to? Non-conformity?) Now, remember what that did to the way you looked at the world around you. When we give absolute answers about complex, non-absolute concepts, we cheat our children out of the ability to experience deity in a meaningful way for themselves. We have profound effects on the way they view the world around them, and we are daring them to prove us wrong as they begin to develop their own value system. This puts us in an adversarial position, which is not where we want to be as parents when it comes to helping our children develop into their own persons. It is ultimately more effective to be inclusive and flexible when it comes to these nebulous (but powerful) concepts, than it is to be arbitrary and dogmatic.

Reincarnation is another subject that many Pagans want to pass on to their children. It is a very comforting view of what happens after people die. It is reassuring to children to know that they do not simply stop existing. But, let's face it, nobody knows exactly how reincarnation works. We can catch hints, see clues, but nobody knows what the plan really is, or if there is just one plan, or what. Consequently, we cannot give absolute answers where there are none. When my children have asked me on occasion to explain what happens after you're dead? I have done my best to explain in words they can grasp. I have said that the part of us that is simply us—not our bodies, or our clothes, or what we own, or anything else but what is us, pure and simple—will eventually leave all those other things behind. This is what happens when we die. The us leaves our body, and goes onto other experiences and adventures and lessons. I don't tell them where, or when, or how. I can't. I don't know. When they ask me where and when and how, I'll have to demonstrate for them (yet again) that mothers do not know everything. I'll have to tell them honestly that I don't know. That's part of why death can be looked at as a great adventure. Because we don't know. So far my kids have kept up with me on this.

Is there a too soon to talk to children about philosophical ideas like these? No way! The only thing to remember is that you have to use language children can understand and relate to. Don't say existential nihilism to a 3-year-old. You may be quite lucid in the point you're trying to make, but your kid will never know it. And the converse is equally true. Don't use simplistic terms when talking to children with the interest and the intelligence to comprehend more.

We all want to see our children grow up into responsible, thinking, loving human beings. We can't help them become that if we have a patronizing I know what's best for you attitude. That keeps them from becoming responsible because we assume responsibility for their values. (So we look like good parents. People will say, Look how well little so-and-so turned out. He must have `good parents.') And we rob them of the ability to think for themselves because we tell them what to think. All they have to do is toe the line, and quietly accept that what we tell them is best—even spiritually and philosophically. Sound familiar? I thought it might.

We do our best for our children when we encourage them to experience different ideas and support them when they change their minds, otherwise the experience is unpleasant. When they figure something out, we, as parents, have to tell our kids how proud we are of them and what a mark of progress it is on their road to big person-ness. We watch them from the sidelines and love them and encourage them, knowing that ultimately they have to be responsible for themselves as they go through this life, and that we are very fortunate to have them in ours at least for a while.