NMR ISSUE 29

An Urban Wicca
Astrological Forecast 29
Editorial 29
Flamingo, Centipede & Falcon
Gratitude
Letters 29
Mari
Media Manipulation
Outing Children
Spirit of the Night
The Goddess of Writing Speaks
The Magical Flute
The Magickal Diary
The Split Between Spirit and Nature

Articles
Authors
Rituals
Book Reviews
NMR Issues
NMR Covers

Pagan Parenting: Outing Children

By Amanda Cummings

I'm often asked, How do I deal with people who aren't Pagan, and their relationship with my children? In my experience, it usually depends on the relationship and your children. How important is the relationship (both to you and your children) and how necessary is absolute honesty? How tolerant are the non-Pagans with whom you interact?

Most of the Pagan folk I know figured out early which immediate relatives are safe. It is unfortunate that even today we still have to worry about who knows our religious and philosophical persuasions. In my own family, there are those who know and those who don't, and very different reasons for those decisions. My mother knows I am a Witch. She is rather broad-minded when it comes to how other people think (particularly if no one demands she share that belief). My sisters both know as well. They are very active in the Women's Movement and sympathetic to anything that will further an improved view of women in this culture. And, while they may think I'm a little bit weird, they came to accept this about me a long time ago, the weirdness that is.

They also know I take the children to rituals. It is as acceptable as any other form of religious instruction, in their opinion. My mother and youngest sister are going to be at the public Yule celebration I am writing, just to finally see what it is we do. I've only been at this for several years now, but while they've been relatively accepting, this is the first time they've made an effort to be a part of what I do. I look at it as progress, I suppose.

My father has no clue about what I do. But, then, my father is not a tolerant man. We do not have that kind of relationship. My grandmother, on the other hand, is a sweet woman, whose love and ideas I value immensely. Unfortunately, it would cause her such distress to know we aren't Christians (of any variety) that in good conscience I can't tell her. I think it would do more harm than good; I just can't see it as productive.

My best friend in the whole world is a Christian. She is quite comfortable with Pagan ideologies. Matter of fact, she picked out my new altar and calls me to tell me about her dreams. She keeps an eye on the lunar phases, loves crystals and goes to church every Sunday. She was at my handfasting as well. She knows my religious persuasions and actively supports them—for me and for my family.

When it comes to relationships outside the family, sometimes even more discretion is required, but sometimes even less. For instance, if you don't care that your parenting may be called into question, outspoken children at school can be a real education for many students, and even some teachers. I caution you not to push your children in that direction, because social pressures on them (depending on their ages) may become terribly unpleasant. Teenagers with weird, flaky parents may not be very welcome, both to other teenagers and also to their parents. We had some dear friends who moved to another part of the country with a strong Pagan community. They felt very comfortable and supported. When a local TV station asked them to be interviewed, they saw an opportunity to dispel fear and ignorance. Their daughter, who was about 11 at the time, also was interviewed. They spoke lovingly and openly about what it is to be a Witch. Even their daughter showed her knowledge and spoke clearly and articulately (well, for an 11 year old).

The next day at school, the teasing began. No matter what the parents did, who they addressed, what chains of command they rattled, nothing seemed to resolve the name-calling and other teasing. They eventually had to change schools.

I mention this as a caution. It is not a guaranteed result, but it is one that warrants consideration. Outspoken children can put themselves in the middle of some unwanted attention. If they don't care, I wouldn't let it bother me as a parent, and I strongly suggest backing them all the way. However, if they aren't comfortable with standing their ground against the tide, it might not be good to encourage them to come out of the broomcloset. It takes much composure to deal with other peoples' ignorance, and sometimes children aren't very good at it. It is a learned skill.

On the other hand, I also know a couple whose oldest child is very open about his practice of magic and ritual, and couldn't care less what other people say about it. He explains why he wears a pentagram and what it means. He tells people how he celebrated the holidays. He's about 10 years old. His younger sister just wrote her first ritual at the ripe old age of 8 for Samhain, and led her brother and younger sister in worship.

I also know a young man of 14 who is going to be dedicated to the Goddess's service at Yule. He is so happy in his belief that very little dissuades him and he is old enough to state his ideas articulately to whoever asks. When his history teacher discussed the Salem witch trials, she explained that most of the people burned were not Witches at all, but good Christian people and that Witches don't exist. He stayed after class to respectfully disagree with her. He had his facts straight, and spoke calmly? The Witches in Salem were hung, not burned, and Witches do exist. I'm living proof and so is my mother.

Other parents are not so comfortable with the idea of being out (to borrow a phrase from the gay community). They have other risks to weigh. Single parents risk the loss of custody of their children, and even more traditional parents can be investigated by the local Child Protective agencies. It is a fine line.

My third grader was doing a series of homework assignments based on generational thinking. Things like Where did your parents come from? And their parents? And their parents? They were encouraged to explore other names, countries, etc. One of the pages of homework asked, How does your family celebrate? And went on to list birthdays, 4th of July, etc. But the one that interested me most was Christmas/Hanukkah/the Winter Season and Easter/Passover/the Spring. I knew those non-religious titles were there to avoid offending the non-religious people. But for those of us who spring and winter are religious celebrations, it was a tough question. My first reaction was to answer truthfully. Tell them about the Maypole, the Yule Log, the Sun King. Then a couple of mental pictures came to mind: The first was of some teacher reading this thinking I'm going to have to keep an eye on this child! The other was of my oldest's face saying, Mo-o-O-O-o-o-m! In utter, horrified embarrassment. I also have an ex-husband who could make life really ugly if a concerned teacher gave him a ring.

OK, I wimped out. But when they are comfortable with their own ideas, I have no doubt that my children will be as outspoken about them as they are about other things. When that day comes, I will back them with everything that I am, and I will be so proud—regardless of what they may be. I may be raising Buddhists, atheists, or Christians. I may be raising the next High Priestess of a coven. It's one of the joys of parenting.

I watch in amazement as my children get bigger and bigger, growing into the adults they will be. It is so exciting to watch them put together their values and philosophies. I am awe-struck to part of that process. I watch them, every day, get just a little wiser, more perspicacious. And I know that their spiritual selves and lives are developing and growing and taking shape, too. I can't wait to see them take the next step in their processes of becoming grownups.

But for now, I'll go tuck them into their beds again, and give them kisses. Right now, they aren't much interested in telling the world we are Pagan. Tonight they are just tired and warm and waiting for me to come kiss them.

Blessed Be!