NMR ISSUE 22

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Pagan Parenting

Amanda Cummings

By now you should be gearing up for the HOLIDAY SEASON. Are we shaking in our boots yet? This is the time of year we all look forward to (especially our children), and yet dread (especially us parents!). Add to this a different perspective on life in general, and we are talking some serious stress! So how do we survive (and try to enjoy) the holidays, both Pagan and Christian?

Halloween is opening night of the holiday season. The holiday hype begins here, as I'm sure you've noticed if you've gone to the grocery store anytime in the past few weeks. This is such a fun holiday for children. Dressing up is so much fun for the young (and old—just ask any adult who's gone to a Halloween costume party). Walking around the neighborhood, collecting candy, wearing costumes, who could ask for more?

But as Pagans, we do see more in this holiday, and it is a sharp contrast to the fun and games. In Pagan traditions worldwide, this is a very somber holiday. How do we incorporate these two divergent perspectives?

I suggest that we not prohibit our children from the fun. It is terribly isolating to be that obviously different. On the other hand, my children don't get to dress up as devils, stereotypical witches, or violent characters (my own personal preference—Ninja Turtles, Rambo, etc. don't get to make an appearance in my home). It is important not to be arbitrary about this, but to talk and explain you position.

My second child came back from a weekend at her father's to inform me she was going to be a witch for Halloween. I asked her what she would look like, and she gave the basic rundown: long glow-in-the-dark green hair, black pointy hat, black ragged dress, even black fingernails and, of course, a broom.

Wow! I said. That sounds really scary. Is that what a Witch really looks like?"

Oh, yes, she said.

Well, you know I'm a Witch, right? Is that how I look to you? What about? And I asked her about some of the Witches and Pagans she knew.

No, of course not, she replied.

Good. I'm glad you are such a bright girl that you can tell the difference. The witch you are dressing up like is scary, and that is fun at Halloween, but is not a real Witch. I'm so glad you know that, now. I hope you have fun. And she did.

I could have given her the whole story about how the scary witch image was created by woman hating, religious elites who were trying to kill off opposing views; but first, she wouldn't have understood (she was 6 years old), and second, it would have been a big guilt trip. But, she was now informed in a frame of reference she could relate to (the Witches and Pagans she knew). And she still had fun.

I also try to take my children to the public rituals that a local coven offers (and where children are welcome—provided they behave). It is a good balance, I think. I tell them the story of the passing of the Sun King from the Land of Light to the Land of Darkness. In my myth, the Sun King has died at Mabon—the Autumnal Equinox—and the Goddess, as Mother/Woman mourns Him, because She will miss Him. She places Him in a boat, and sends Him to the Underworld, where the Crone (whom we call Grandma) waits for Him. The Grandma takes care of Him during the Winter, until He comes back to the Land of Light at Yule.

When He goes to the Land of Darkness, the doors swing wide to admit Him, and those whom we love have passage to the Land of Light for the night, until the doors close again. That is why we say the veil between the two worlds is thin, or open. Then we go to the ritual.

After ritual, we come home and before we go to bed, we leave out food, usually for my grandfather (whom my children never had the joy of meeting), but also for anyone he sends our direction. Grampa always liked a good party and I'm sure that if he makes it our way, he brings friends. We usually leave bread and cheese, and a glass of beer. In the morning, I take the plate and offer it to Nature and put them on the ground in the back corner of my yard. Merry Meet, Grampa!

As your children get bigger, you might also do some divination, and read Tarot cards, or gaze into a crystal ball or scrying mirror. Scrying and crystal gazing is something you can do at a younger age. Just have your child stare into the mirror (or ball) by candlelight, if you like, and tell them to remember what they see. They don't have to tell you, if they don't want to, and then they can dream about it. My seven-year-old loves to have her cards read! And she's beginning to learn how to read as well.

Yule and Christmas don't differ all that much. Mostly the names have been Christianized," but the story is still essentially the same. The Goddess, through Her own Will, brings light back to the world by giving birth to the Sun King. We celebrate this with many candles, a Yule log in the fireplace, and usually a trip to the snow, as part of our seasonal festivities.

This is, traditionally, a very exciting time of the year for children. Keeping children from bouncing off the wall is a real challenge, as a general rule. One of the things I do to keep everyone aware of how long till Christmas and Yule, is something my mother did when my sisters and I were little:

Small children have very little concept of time, so waiting can make them nuts! How long till Christmas? is so commonly asked, that parents everywhere are tempted to run, screaming, down the street. My mother had two preschoolers, who took turns asking this maddening question. Her solution (and mine as well—it is so effective) was to make a calendar on poster board. You can get it at any stationery store. Make it big enough to have each day be a couple inches square. Then in the upper corner, she would put the date, and under that she would put how many days till Christmas. On each day, she would put a picture (preschoolers can't read) of what we would do each day to get ready for Christmas. One day would have a picture of a mailbox (we would mail our Christmas cards that day), the next would have a picture of a tree (when we would buy our tree), followed by a picture of a decorated tree (you're way ahead of me?), and on and on for the whole month. As we passed each day, we would put a sticker (usually green and red foil stars) on each day, showing the passing of that day. We also got an introduction to numbers.

Another thing we do at my house is to buy presents or food for people we know who are poorer than we are. Yule is the dearth of Winter, and sharing what we have can help others make a happy time of it too. Doing this anonymously is always fun, but not necessarily practical if your little ones know the recipients and blab to them! If you go to a shopping mall, you will find trees with cards on them, with children's names, ages and wishes. One year we did this, and my children found a card with someone's wish who was near each of their ages.

Selecting and decorating the Christmas/Yule tree is one of my favorite parts of this season. We go to a cut-your-own-tree farm, my children help pick the perfect tree. We then form a circle around the tree, holding hands, and circle the tree. We ask the tree permission to bring it into our home to honor the season. Each of us places a kiss upon the tree in thanks for its consent, and we cut it down and bring it home. After we set it up, we eat snacks and treats as we decorate it. Besides the balls and bells (good Pagan decorations), there are many to make with your children that are quite Pagan and lots of fun.

Paper chains are popular. If your children are in school, you will no doubt have paper chains to put on your tree. I've tried to save them from each year and join them together, to show the passing of each year. Another popular decoration is stringing popcorn. In Pagan terms, this would be a wish for a prosperous New Year. A fun thing to do with children is to buy nuts, spray paint them gold and silver, and either tie them with ribbons (which you can do with the bigger nuts) or attach ribbon with a glue gun. Nuts and berries represent a promise of the Spring yet to come.

I hope you all have a blessed season and a joyous time celebrating the turning of the Wheel from light to dark and back again.

Happy Holidays and Blessed Be!