NMR ISSUE 20

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Pagan Parenting

By Amanda Cummings

I have been so happy to hear from some of you. I greatly appreciate your input and questions. I hope that this feature will continue to give us all things to think about and things to participate in with our children. One of the questions that keeps coming up in my mail is in regard to non-Pagan folks we must come into contact with: relatives, teachers, former spouses, etc. What do we teach our children when it comes to others with differing opinions?

I hope you will understand if I can't give a specific answer. A lot of it would depend on how open the non-Pagans you know are. I have a wonderful friend who is a Christian/Pagan. She goes to the local mainstream church in her neighborhood every week, and is very active there. It meets some of her spiritual needs. But she also keeps crystals around for various purposes, dreams precognitive dreams, observes the phases of the moon, etc. I have no problem talking to her about the last public ritual I went to, or the spell I feel the need to work on. She has helped me write incantations, and lent me energy for various works. Understandably, she is very easy to talk with about Pagan things and ideas, even though she will call herself a Christian and not a Pagan.

On the other hand, I have a former spouse, and his extended family, who are fundamentalist Christians and remarkably hostile to Pagan philosophy. But, as things go, my children spend time with them. If they thought they could, they would try to take custody of my children because of our religion. These are my two most extreme experiences, and I expect yours are somewhere in between (as most of mine are).

So, what do you do? Do you tell your children to lie? How deceitful do you want them to be? Is this a good example? Is this even necessary? I'll tell you what I've done; I hope it will be of some use to you.

I started a long time ago, telling my children that there is no such thing as a bad word. All those expletives they hear are not bad. They are words—no more, no less. They have a specific meaning, an emotional meaning, and there are times when such language is appropriate (and when it's not). Those times are determined by who can and can't deal with those specific words. It is inappropriate to say shit at school. Why? Because there are students and parents who are not able to deal with that word, and it is inconsiderate and inappropriate to say it. It is not the word's problem, or my children's problem. It is simply that some people cannot deal with that word. So don't use that word (or words) around people who have let you know they have a problem with it. It is a matter of consideration. (In my opinion, it is much more damaging to permit children to say, You're stupid, I hate you, You're ugly, etc. than to say shit when they fall on the playground.)

I have done this for many reasons. First, language is power. If you take away the ability to sufficiently express themselves, children will find other ways. I'd much rather hear my child say damn it! Than to have one of them haul off and clobber someone. And don't think that forbidding use of bad language stops children from using it (remember when you were a child?). They just learn that you have a problem with this word or that and they won't use it around you. Of course, if they really want to get a rise out of you, you'll be sure to hear a bad word, won't you? After all, that's what they are for. To express strong feeling, and to get someone's attention. That's why adults use those words, too. Right? Do we really want to enforce the idea that speaking strongly, and getting the attention of someone is bad?

Second, if language is power, do we want to disempower our children by censoring them? By arbitrarily deciding which words they can and can't use to express themselves, we tell them we value the words they use more than the ideas they are expressing. I have seen children get hurt and use bad language; and before the parent lends aid for the scraped knees, or whatever, they go off on the child for saying `whatever.' The word mattered more than the idea (pain) that the child expressed. It is just a word.

Finally, if you don't want your children to use some words inappropriately, explain to them what the appropriate use is. Remember that the point is to get your attention. If you react, the child thinks, hmmmmm, look what I can get mom/dad to do! And they are more likely to reuse the word that got such a great reaction. Explain what the words mean.

My 3-year-old was helping the next door neighbor take out her trash. My neighbor was a dear, 70-year-old, Southern Baptist widow. As they were dragging out the trashcans from the back yard to the curb, my child fell in the grass. Shit! She said. My neighbor said, Oh, honey, you shouldn't talk like that! My child looked at her sweetly and said very matter-of-factly, It just means `poop,' Nana. And my neighbor said to me later, Well she was right, so what more was there to say, and we just went on and took out the trash! It's just a word.

I have explained all this to bring me, in a round about way, to my first suggestion for dealing with the non-Pagan folks in our lives. Change the names of things. It sounds a little underhanded, but that's because we don't like having to watch what we say—understandably so. Language is power. We don't like being censored. Sometimes, though, a little creativity with the language can save confrontation with some hostile folks later.

What can we change? Well, the first thing I changed was my altar. Altar is a very recognizable word. My former spouse has a concept of altar. So I don't have an altar. What sits in my room, with all my husband's and my magick stuff on it, is not an altar, to my children; it is mama's magick table. That is what my children have always called it, because that is what I have always called it. If you say altar to the unenlightened, they immediately conjure visions of animal sacrifices, inverted crosses and all that fun stuff. I have no idea what images magick table brings to mind, but I don't think they will be as sinister as those that altar brings to the minds of the unenlightened.

See? Then you don't have to have robes, you have magick clothes. You don't work spells, you practice creative visualization (a very hip, yuppie, New Age contribution to the lexicon). Get it? Since language is power, we also have to consider the power other people give words.

The real biggie is, are we witches? Yes, I am a witch. My children know I am a witch, except my 5-year-old. She has a tendency to blab, as most of them do at that age; so to her I am magick. Children have a real reverence for and acceptance of magick. I'll sit in my room with my candles and incense, meditating, or crafting a spell, and my youngest will poke her nose in my room, Whatcha doin', mama? I'll always whisper, Magick! Do you want to help me? I'll tell her my intent, and we'll talk about it a minute. She'll either sit with me for a minute, or more likely she'll go find someone else to tell: Don't go in mama's room. She's magick! Magick is something I am to her, not just something I do.

My older children know I am a witch. My children also know that witch is a word that some people (you're way ahead of me?) can't deal with. It isn't the word's problem, or their problem, or my problem. But some people can't deal with the word. My second child asked me; then what do I call you? Well, we talked and it seems there is a tarot reader by her father's condo, with a sign that says she is a fortuneteller. So, since I also read tarot cards, guess what? My child tells people I am a fortuneteller if she thinks they would have a problem with witch.

My children have grown up learning that language is power, and that we have to show consideration to other people when our language may trouble them. That is also what I have taught them regarding other peoples' philosophies. They have a cousin who tells them all the restrictions Christianity has placed on her. You know, all the can'ts: can't dance, can't play cards, can't speak freely, can't wear pants, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseam. You can imagine what she tells my children about witches, and all that.

So when my kids came back home from a weekend with this child, they asked me about the things this cousin had been saying. I asked, do you think those things apply to you? My oldest said, No, I don't! I asked Why? Because I don't think that way, she said. Exactly, I smiled.

I explained that people are responsible to follow their own path, even her cousin. However, no one has the ability to tell anyone else what that path may be. That was why they felt uncomfortable with what their cousin had been saying. I told them that, perhaps, as this cousin got older, she would see things more like my children, but that if she didn't it was not up to my children to enlighten her, or criticize her. She had to follow her own path. It was not acceptable for my children to take attitudes of superiority, self-righteousness, or condescension in regard to their cousin, or anyone else that didn't look at the world the same way as my children. I told them that just because we follow a particular path ourselves, doesn't mean that we are better. There are other paths. Christianity is one of those paths.

I reminded them that a lot of what their cousin said she said out of ignorance. She didn't decide to think that way herself. She had been taught those things. I told them that a lot of religions, Christianity included, require ignorance to work. Eventually, this cousin could choose to think for herself, but even then she may choose to remain a Christian. And there is nothing wrong with that. As much as my children resented hearing they were wrong, so too, do Christians. While we don't have to accept their judgments, their path is valid for them and we must not tell them they are wrong.

So now my children go to this cousin's house, play, have fun, and when she starts in on the can'ts they say, OK. When she asks if my kids are Christians, they say, No. When she tells them they will go to Hell, they say nothing, smile sweetly and go on and play.

I would love to live in a place where all religions are tolerated and openly accepted. But, for now anyway, there is a certain amount of caution that we need to exercise when we say we are Pagan. It doesn't mean we have to lie. If we teach our children how to express themselves appropriately, we can help them learn what is and isn't appropriate, and they develop discernment and consideration of others. A bit of a challenge, perhaps, but think of the long term. We are raising the beginnings of a new generation. We can help create the world we would like to live in. We can teach our children the value of tolerance, acceptance, insight, discernment, consideration, and love. Let's give our children a better world, by helping them be the kind of people who would live in it.

Lammas

Lammas is the first of three harvest festivals. It is at this time that we see the Great Mother as the giver of the harvest, and also, as Her aspect begins to shift to the Reaper, the implacable Dark One. The celebration is also the wake for Lugh (hence Lughnasadh), the Corn God, whose body we harvest, and whose sacrifice feeds us through the winter.

While these may seem like gloomy overtones to celebrate, to children they weave a wonderful story. To remember the Goddess, have a glass of grape juice, and for the God, some cornbread (shaped like men, if you can). It is best to do this out of doors, if possible, as a picnic. Put lots of summer food on the magick table and a green cloth. Candles to the Goddess and God are appropriate.

Talk with your children about what we fear (we are heading into the dark part of the year). Give them a cornbread God as you discuss this. After a bit, tell them to put all that fear into the cornbread. They do this with their imaginations. Tell them to imagine all the fear coming up through their toes to their ankles, to their knees, etc., until it runs slowly out their fingertips into the cornbread. If you have a fire available (as in a barbecue or fireplace) pitch the God into it. Otherwise, bury it in the ground. Tell the children that their fears are given back to the Great Mother in this way, and now She will help them with those fears (as well as you, the parents).

Next talk about what you are all thankful for. Remember that the God's sacrifice is our sustenance. We have so many things to be thankful for that this can take some time. Children love to think of things that make them happy. When this has gone on long enough, bless the grape juice, and make a libation, bless the remaining cornbread Gods and have a party. Eat the food on the altar, magick table, and celebrate the good things we have. Partying is something that children only get better at.

Have a fruitful and blessed Lammas. Please let me know how you are doing, and if there is anything in particular you would like to see discussed. I'll be sure to try to cover it as I can. Thank you again for your input. We have a very precious gift in our children.