NMR ISSUE 19

Astrological Forecast 19
Crystals
Earth, Air, Fire and Water
Editorial
Giraffe
Growing Through Joy
Hermes, Guide of Souls
Letters 19
Magic and the Western Mind
On Distillation
Public Rituals & Children
Solitary Talk
Solstice Song for Summer
The Oldest Magick
The Principles of Magick
The Purpose of Being a Magician
The Significator
The Spirit of Shamanism
The Turning of the Ages
Two to Get You Mad
Understaning Your Dreams

Articles
Authors
Rituals
Book Reviews
NMR Issues
NMR Covers

Pagan Parenting

By Amanda Cummings

With the Spring Equinox coming up, I thought I'd start off with one of the most common questions. Should children go to public rituals? As you may have already guessed, the answer varies.

First, how old is your child? Will the ritual be at or after their bedtime? I've found that bedtime affects those little ones who are 3 and under. These children don't know how to deal with tiredness (in general) except to be cranky and fussy. If your 2 year old is a night person (like my first born) they could be an exception to this; otherwise be prepared to step out of the ritual (rather than disrupt it with a crying child).

For the child who is 4 years old and older, you can treat staying up late as a special experience. There are several things I have done with my children to encourage being big. Because culture is important to me, one of the things my children get to do when they turn five is come with me to see Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker, so they can begin to have an appreciation for beauty, music and dance. It is a very special time. We dress up, go to dinner and make a night of it, because they are now BIG five-year-olds.

I've never done good or bad when describing my child. I have good children—period. I describe maturity to them in terms of big, as in: That was a very big way to act. Things that have to do with arbitrary age limits I describe to them in terms of tall, as in: You have to get a little taller to do that. Besides, it's a lot fairer to the child than good boy or bad girl. Do we really want to communicate that kind of judgment? Do we really want to tell our children that we think they are bad people? By sticking with big, we can then say: Big girls pick up their toys. When you are a big girl, you will pick up your toys, too. Or I like having a boy who is so big that he helps clear his place from the table. That is very big. See? We have eliminated the judgment. Big leaves room for getting big enough to behave. Let's face it, if MOM says you're bad, that's pretty much it.

So ritual is for big children and big people (adults). I don't want to rule out smaller children, just be aware that crying, fussy children are a distraction. You should take them out of earshot of the ritual if they get too noisy (just as you would do if you were in a theater, wedding, or any other church service).

One of the fun things you can do with your child to get ready for ritual is to have special clothes to wear. I've seen miniature robes on 10-year-olds. I've seen kids come in their jammies. We wear more medieval period clothes in my household. They are only for special occasions. Most important, put you kids in what works. If you decide on period clothing, don't go for ruffs and laces (unless you have a very sedate child). Ritual clothing isn't necessary, but it does get the idea across to the children that we are going somewhere special.

How do big children act in ritual? Well, they talk quietly, when necessary. They may sit if it is appropriate and if their parent says it is OK (rituals that are hard on the legs for adults are even harder on little legs that have been running around all day). Most important, big children stay with their parent. Moms and Dads, this means you and only you should assume responsibility for your child. If it means holding on to a sticky, pudgy little hand, then do it. Better that, than to have a child decide to wander though the middle of a ritual, or start crying because they are lost thanks to your having moved around the circle a few steps (I've seen it happen). Don't rely on others to police your children. If the kids come with you, they are your responsibility. Fortunately, most Pagan folk are very accepting of children. But you don't want to wear out your welcome by allowing disruptive behavior from your children. Basically, if you wouldn't allow it in a traditional church service, you should not permit it in ritual. No one would think of going to Mass, and letting a toddler run up and down the aisles—same for ritual.

One of the most important things to do with a child is to tell them what to expect. I started with my own by explaining that when anyone said So mote it be or Blessed Be, they could repeat it with the big people (it was a big thing to do). If you can find out what songs will be sung, help your kids learn them. Children love to sing, and their sweet, sincere voices add so much to a ritual. My children already have a repertoire of Pagan songs. A Pagan top ten, of sorts. They are our car songs. You know, the songs we sing everywhere we drive. The car is a terrific place to practice Pagan stuff, after all, who's gonna know? And it keeps them from fighting.

And please, tell them the stories. Tell them about Demeter and Persephone. If you don't know the story well enough to tell, check it out of the library and read it to them. Libraries have a whole section of books of myths—even the children's libraries. Let them be familiar with the names of the God and Goddess. When they hear those names in ritual, don't be surprised to have a tug on your sleeve and hear We just read about Her! And see big sparkling eyes, bright with knowledge. Knowledge is another big thing.

Public rituals are a terrific place for your kids to meet other kids who are Pagan—and to meet other Pagan parents, as well. One of the things we can do as a Pagan community is to be supportive of each other as we raise these children of ours. In ancient times that was a job of the community, not just the parents. Although things don't function like that anymore, we still have a community of people who share basic common philosophies and values. The more of that we share with each other, the more options we have in caring for our little (and not so little) ones.

Blessed Be!